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Libertarian Jokes-Cows Explain Government: Difference between revisions
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Libertarian Jokes-Cows Explain Government (view source)
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You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream. | You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream. | ||
== Pure Socialism == | == Pure Socialism == | ||
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== Bureaucracy == | == Bureaucracy == | ||
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. | You have 2 cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it requires you to fill out forms - in triplicate - to account for the missing milk. | ||
== New Deal Bureaucracy == | |||
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms - in quadruplicate - accounting for the missing cows; and a separate set of forms for the missing milk. Revenuers soon show up at your front door, with one of the sixty-two US Supreme Court justices in tow, to seize your 'illegal' production. | |||
== | == Left-anarchism == | ||
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. | You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. | ||
== Capitalism == | == Corporate Capitalism == | ||
You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead. | You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead. | ||
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You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. | You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. | ||
== Bureaucratic Environmentalism == | |||
You have 2 cows. You file a 7,000 page environmental impact statement - in triplicate - and wait ten months for a response. Then the government declares your property a wetland and bans you from milking or killing the cows. Then it 'accidentally' drops a 55-gallon drum of an extremely poisonous chemical on the pasture, killing the cow and giving you cancer. The government manages to draw out the court case for six years, and its government-paid judge declares the case moot when you die prior to trial. | |||
== Feminism == | |||
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. | |||
== Totalitarianism == | == Totalitarianism == | ||
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== Political Correctness == | == Political Correctness == | ||
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is | You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant, capitalistic past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf. | ||
== Counterculturalism == | == Counterculturalism == | ||
| Line 147: | Line 158: | ||
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. | You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. | ||
== Political Libertarianism == | |||
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away." | |||
== Protectionism == | |||
You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You take out a huge loan on the cow, and ignore both the loan and the cow from then on. Then you try to milk the bull, and blame the Japanese for its lack of production. You bribe the government to ban imported milk and increase farm subsidies. | |||
== Drug War-ism == | |||
You have two cows. The government outlaws possession and distribution of cows, then arrests you for possession of a controlled animal with intent to distribute (you did have TWO cows!) and locks you up for life. While in prison, your cell mate offers to trade you a cow for a carton of cigarettes. | |||
== Canadian Bureaucracy == | |||
You and your neighbor are contesting the ownership of two cows. A Royal Commission is struck to study the issue. Three years after both cows die, the Commission releases its preliminary findings, which states that the evidence either way is "inconclusive". | |||
== Florida Keys == | |||
You have two cows. The government decides it is in your best interest to regulate your cows' milk production. When you raise a stick, you are appointed to the Milk Restriction Citizens Advisory Board. Together with a bunch of government scientists and non-profit organizations, you study your cows to death. | |||
== Political Correctness == | |||
You have two cows. The cows move into your house while you move into the barn and barely get by raising organic vegetables. | |||
== U.S. Governmentism == | |||
You have two cows. Late one night, a renegade IRS agent sneaks into your ranch and cuts off the left ear of one of your cows without your knowledge. You find out when the victim cow gets an infection. You have to purchase antibiotics for the cow and you also must pay the tax. You are sued by the FDA for milking a sick cow, and for practicing medicine without a license. You are sued by the EPA for killing bacteria and for failing to file an environmental impact statement. You are sued by the ATF for practicing an unlicensed religion involving cow ear sacrifices, for conspiracy to manufacture a firearm without a license, and for suspected child pornography. You are sued by OSHA for creating an unsafe workplace where someone could step on a cow's ear. You are arrested by the FBI for trading in cow parts without a license. They want the last known whereabouts of the cow's ear. You are slandered by a PBS program. You are attacked on TV magazine shows "Sixty Idiots," "True Lies," and "Twenty Panties". You are harassed by animal rights activists. You have to sell the cow with two ears to pay your legal bills. | |||
Libertarianism: You have 2 cows. You can do whatever you like with them as long as you don't interfere with the lives and property of others. | |||
== Anarcho-capitalism == | |||
You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. | |||